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Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From Calvin (Part 2) 

  

Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. *** They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget. That doesn’t surprise me. It works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.  *** Spaceman Spiff is hit! He’s going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! *** I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal. *** The world bores you when you’re cool.  *** I’ve got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it. *** That’s the problem with nature. Something’s always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. *** I’m done with my homework! I’m going outside to play! I’ve got my jacket! I’m leaving now! … further bulletins as events warrant! *** Look mom. I put all my clothes for tomorrow on the stairs. Then in the morning I’ll run out in my underwear and slide down at top speed! If I aim good, I go right into my pants while I’m putting on my shirt, and by the bottom, I’m all dressed for school. And if you put my cereal on the stairs too, I won’t have to get up until 30 seconds before the bus comes. *** I asked Dad if Mom was going to have a baby, and he said not that he knew of. Dad said we’d know if mom was having a kid because she’d look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. … that’s when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. *** Knock over one lousy display stand, and pay for it the rest of your life. *** Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. *** Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. *** A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it. It says this is a personal gift, not a generic one. It says you need a bigger allowance. *** Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It’s unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it’s passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! *** What fun is it being “cool” if you can’t wear a sombrero? *** I don’t like these stories with morals.

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