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I have heard the perception that Pastor John is dry and humorless. Not true.

 

These are all taken from his sermons. Warning: Slightly less aphoristic.

 

Everything I Have Ever Needed to Know I Learned From The Wit of John Piper

 

There aren’t normal people – just weird people. *** . . . Or are you phlegmatic? I don’t know what that word means; I’ve just heard it a lot. I hope I’m using it right. *** Paul might say – ‘If Piper wants to take a one hour read and turn it into a ten year project, that’s his call’  *** I will not dare to guess how many times we will hear these verses in the coming months. *** I would have a heart attack at the movies – just the trailers! *** For everything thing there is a season . . . turn, turn, turn. . .  *** It just couldn’t be clearer: You’re gonna eat fish in the kingdom! *** I wish I could say to Christ ‘I precious you, I precious you’, but it sounds so stupid. *** ‘For’ – and don’t miss that word. If that word isn’t in your bible, get another Bible! *** They got a law about ferrets. I told that to my wife and she said ‘I don’t even know what a ferret is!’  *** If you’ve borrowed a book from someone, . . . say, a pastor, . . . and you’ve had it for three or four years and you’ve forgotten about it – he’s forgotten about it. *** This is the doctrine of salvation by grace apart from Vegetables. *** You club people to death with the Log hanging out of your eye. *** My mother taught me to knit when I was a boy . . . I didn’t do it long. *** I’m so thankful that Paul has memory lapses . . very comforting, Paul. *** Constant selective neglect of good things is what my life seems to be. *** <When you give, we want> Happy checks! That’s all! Keep your burden checks! *** Language frustrates me pretty much every day. *** You ought to turn your phone off when you call your wife. *** The verse doesn’t mean the opposite of what it says. *** This is what preachers do at 5:30 on Friday afternoon – we pound our heads on the desk and say “What does this say?” *** We’re fondling our little roaches, our little scorpions, our little tarantulas. ‘They’re so fuzzy and warm’…and then the light goes on. *** If you don’t like being a sheep, get over it. *** Convictions are good, passions are better. *** “Golf to the glory of God” – I can see it. . . I would have to learn how to golf. . . *** And if my soul could talk back to me, he’d say “I know this already!” *** <I have always sat in the pews among you while we worship> except for the first ten years when I sat up here in my big throne like a king over his minions. *** . . . At Wheaton, where I discovered that not all Christians are Baptists. *** That was five – this is four. . . you can number them anyway you like.

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