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Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Christmas And New Years I Learned From Calvin

I’m staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot this year, and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I don’t get up.¬†***¬†That darn Santa has got me every way I turn. *** I hate this time of the year. I’ve got to be good for two more weeks if I want any goodies this Christmas! I’ll never make it.I TRY to be good! I DO! My heart is as pure as driven snow! It’s just that, well, sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! I’m usually an innocent bystand… HEY, I SAW you roll your eyes! So you don’t believe me, eh?! ME?? By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when I’M through with you! *** Look, Hobbes, no one SAW us fighting, right? This can be OUR little SECRET, OK? Santa doesn’t have to know about this, right? *** Boy, if it wasn’t so close to Chrismas, I’d pound you good! Oh no you don’t! You’re not tempting ME! I want every item on my Christmas list, so I’m being GOOD. No matter what the provication! Here comes Susie Derkins. Really? Quick, help me find a pine cone I can throw at… …NO! I’m being GOOD! Good! Good! Good! *** SANTA — WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP ‘EM OFF HERE! — CALVIN. *** I’ve been thinking. They say Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa’s OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That’s all? Sure. He’d catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He’d create the impression he’s watching more than he really is! But now that I’m on to him, I’m going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on me? Ooh, I didn’t think of that! She’s a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa’s watching now, seeing as I’m being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless. *** I’m getting nervous about Christmas. *** It’s all relative. What’s Santa’s definition? How good do you have to be to qualify as good? I haven’t KILLED anybody. See, that’s good, right? I haven’t committed any felonies. I didn’t start any wars. I don’t practice cannibalism. Wouldn’t you say that’s pretty good? Wouldn’t you say I should get lots of presents? *** I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year’s resolutions I wrote. He said he’d be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren’t for ME, they were for HIM. That’s why we’re outside now. *** I’m getting disillusioned with these new years. They don’t seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything’s still the same! There’s still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven’t changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! *** and Santa, if I get any lords a-leaping or geese a-laying, you’ve HAD it. Hmm… That might not be politic.

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