As usual, 3 disclaimers:
1. All quotes taken from sermons – if you count the message given at our church’s 140th anniversary celebration. That’s what the first four are from.
2. All completely taken out of context.
3. None found in the Online Sermon Texts – but many are on the videos.
Please also notice that like the last list, there are some sound effects in these quotes – I made my best guess at how to spell them based on how Pastor John spoke them.
31 Humorous Quotes from Pastor John
- One of the great things about getting old is you can see the patterns and things don’t make you panic.
- It’s hard to be sick when you’re excited.
- It was one o’clock in the morning. You’re crazier at one o’clock in the morning.
- That’s why we did the north stealth bomber building. I tell people, it’s the building that looks like a stealth bomber. With no sign. Yet.
- If you’re heading for a cliff and someone shouts a warning to you, you will never complain about the irraspable strident nature of the tone of their voice.
- Okay, Peter says, “You will never wash my feet.” Now Jesus could have simply said, ‘Look Peter, you’re wrecking the illustration. Just shut your mouth, sit down, let me wash your feet. I’m making a point. Don’t ruin the illustration!”
- I know I don’t know how many hundreds of verses by heart and I come up to a moment and I can forget ALL OF THEM in an hour of crisis! The Devil has an incredible – I mean these arrows – I don’t know what they are but I think one of them is ‘Bing!’ No memory!
- Which means you’ve gotta fight to learn these [verses] and memorize these things and have these verses tumbling around in your fore-frontal lobal brain part. Whatever that is.
- But [In the tense moment of fear] I wasn’t vaguely thinking “Oh I need help. O God, your kind. Uh, do something.” That’s better than nothing, but way better is to think of something specific, tailor made, blood bought that He said.
- The temptation of Covetousness or Greed: So you desire something, everybody deals with this – it’s why ‘Thou shall not covet’ is in the Bible. You desire something. And the desire starts to get really strong. Really powerful. You are starting to lose your contentment in Jesus. You are starting to feel: ‘If I don’t have this thing –’ might be a husband, might be an iPad . . .
- I’m scared out of my wits at being a millionaire. That’s a weakness. Some people can handle it. I don’t have that gift. Like I chew a whole pack of gum immediately. . . Why wouldn’t you?*
- You hardly ever make friends when you’re dealing with church discipline.
- (About the Holy Spirit) [Jesus] gave you a helper. Notice (I love this), he didn’t give you an observer. Like: “I’m watching. Right now I’m next to you. And I’m watching.” Well, that’s not what I need. Everybody’s watching me. I don’t need another person to watch me. . . I need a helper.
- You might be glad that there are copper pipes in your walls but you really like the water. Unless you’re weird.
- Hello, my name is John, I’ll be serving you tonight, would you like to begin with a drink? [Regarding Pastors as Waiters in 1 Cor 3.]
- What will we do that is greater than what Jesus did? You should be on the edge of your seat, because you don’t know the answer to that. I do! I think. You can get all these theologians to test me on it.
- I got two tickets in the mail. Not driving tickets – my branches are over the sidewalk. I’m going to be fined in twelve days. My branches are over the sidewalk of my hedge. So I clipped them! I obeyed the law. Then I got another one. I forgot to put the clippings in a compostable bag! And now, by Tuesday, I have to empty the big black sturdy bag into a wimpy little green bag. Now what’s the point of that little interlude? The point is, isn’t it amazing that there’s a cultural consensus about the good that puts the power of jail and fines into the hands of the police because of my branches.
- My branches are too long! I personally think that’s probably a good law. I don’t like messy neighborhoods. I’d like to take some of the other houses in my neighborhood and say, “Why don’t you send them some letters?”
- The next week we’ll have a guest pastor, Ed …. Help me ….Stetzer. That’s what happens when you’re sixty-six. Don’t laugh, it’s coming.
- Dads, I’m going to make this real easy. Even if you can’t read and your wife can, you can still lead in devotions. Just say, “C’mon, kids, come on”. Say that: “Come. On.” And then you say, “Honey, read John 1”. And you say, “Daughter, pray for us.” That’s leadership, Fella. You don’t need anything but guts to do that. Well, the Holy Spirit would help. You know what I mean.
- But we know it’s not the main point, because verse six begins with ‘For’. See that? I hope it’s there in your version; if it’s not, get another version.
- Mothers are you reading your kids bible stories before they can read? Are you playing tapes – you don’t use tapes – CDs?
- Does this look familiar to you? It shouldn’t. I never bring this Bible. Scofield Reference Edition. King James Version. “Happy Birthday, Son. January 11th 1961. This book will keep you from sin or sin will keep you from this book. Mother and Daddy.” This was my book for four years. I got another one when I was nineteen. I got an RSV. Then I got an NIV. Used it for the next 40 years. Then I got an ESV. And I’m happy there ‘till I die. But this was my book. And I love to turn in here and look at these blue and red marks. . . It says “Johnny S Piper” on the front. In gold.”
- [In 2 Timothy 4,] Correction is: zoop! Like it’s: zoop! Like: you’re going this way? Go this way!
- [Regarding: RT /WePreachChrist: Kempton Turner: A Christian cannot have a boring testimony. Being raised from the dead is not boring.] That’s amazing. I retweeted that ASAP. It can’t be boring. Unless you’re dead.
- So as I’ve tried to discern what I should say, It has seemed to me that perhaps fitting that a choppy text should have a choppy sermon.
- “When you come, bring the coat that I left with Carpus at Troas.” Seriously? You are the most famous, the most effective and the most authoritative Christian on the planet, Paul. Timothy is one thousand miles away. I googled it today. Rome to Ephesus. I don’t know if he’d take a boat, or walk. No cars, no planes, this is going to be a hard long journey and Timothy has a job. He’s the pastor in Ephesus and you want him to bring you your coat . . . Buy another coat! In Rome. They make coats! Ask Claudia to make you one. What’s going on here? I mean why is this in the Bible? What is going on? Bring me my coat. Well, I don’t know, but it has the ring of unbelievable wartime simplicity to me.
- I have a coat and winter is coming. Get the connection? Oh, it’s going to be cold. And you are writing this letter before the first winter of Rome hits, they’ve told you what it’s like. You left your coat not knowing what the temperatures would be like in Rome, now you’ve been told what Minnesota’s like and you send for your California coat, which won’t work anyway.
- Jesus never says, “Let those fickle, failing, finite, fallible friends go”
- My happy conviction is that pastors ought not to be experts on everything.
- Okay, close that parenthesis, that’s another sermon. Jason, you can do that one.
* I’ll just note that there is a 6 second pause before he says “Why wouldn’t you?” You can see it at 40:30 here.
By the way, as usual, I’d love to hear what your favorites are.
And if you’d like to hear samples of Bible Verse memory songs for the memory plan used by John Piper’s Church, go the iTunes page.
Or check out the CD!
Great for families!