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Last summer I posted a compilation of quotes from the funny, helpful, God-glorifying blog, Stuff Christians Like. I now have enough compiled for another. This time I’ve included the link to the actual post, in case you’re interested to read them.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Stuff Christians Like :: Serious Wednesdays :: Last Lines :: Part 2

You are not naked.
Stop drinking poison.
I want Him to be enough.
Jesus knew how to love people.
We will hear the father’s voice say, “You are mine.”
Kids are not afraid to draw Jesus with a great big smile.
The pressure of perfection is off. We’ve got a perfect God.
God’s got a plan more wondrous than you can even imagine.
Surrender is not the end of a beautiful life. It is the beginning.
He sees a son. He sees his child. And that changes everything.
I’m ready to stop looking through the telescope the wrong way.
Maybe it’s not just about renewing. Maybe it’s also about reaching.
Please don’t for a second believe that God wants you to be miserable.
In dark arenas God reminds us why you and I have got to keep singing.
The more I see the world, the harder it is for me to think God is vanilla.
Kids get grace. That’s why I think Christ wants us to have faith like a child.
What if God might be quiet because he’s too busy planning a party for you?

Our God always works toward a good greater than we can possibly imagine.

Our welcome home party won’t be nearly as fun or as interesting without you.
At the end of the day, the devil has one lie to dress up: God is not good. Don’t believe it.
When you hear that voice, think of the thief, think of Christ, and think of grace.
“Be still” isn’t a casual suggestion. It’s a command. And it’s one I want to obey.
I’m going to trade in my plan for a party, which I think is always a deal worth making.
At the end of the day, the devil has one lie to dress up: God is not good. Don’t believe it.
When I chase a purchase as the pathway to peace, I take my eyes off my true source of joy.
On my best days, when I’ve avoided every signature sin, I am in desperate need of God’s grace.
Maybe the answer to the question, “Should I wait on God or hustle as hard as I can?” is “Yes.”
On God’s calendar, there’s always the perfect amount of time for a second, third, or 500th chance
God is big enough for my anger, small enough for my whispers and strong enough for my worries
Today is the time to stop asking for clarity and instead start asking for courage to get started.
True change, heart change, life change, can only come from one place, your relationship with God.
At some point, I’ve got to be honest with myself. And God is making that harder to ignore lately.

One of my favorite Blogs is Stuff Christians Like. As I read it I continue to marvel at how Jon Acuff  is funny without being offensive and how he is able to display the Gospel and glorify God in new ways every day. Just sayin’.

Every Wednesday he puts out a serious post (he still manages to stick in quite a bit of humor in these, too) and some time ago I started to compile the last sentence or phrase from each of them. Here they are.

Update: Jon posted this list over at his blog.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Stuff Christians Like : Serious Wednesdays : Last Lines

You are found.
God loves you.
Are you packing?
I can’t handle near.
God cares for the lonely
He knows the way we take.
I don’t want “at least” faith.
Yeah, but God is on our side.
God’s love is ridiculous to me.
“I cannot do it, but God will …”
Let’s retire the idea of failure.
Death to better, long live new.
We all get the comma of grace.
Look for a savior, not a solution.
Today, quit being lazy for the Lord.
Let’s stop giving God our last fruits.
The reason for the season is a rescue.
Today, God says, “I know, my son, I know.”
God doesn’t want your solution. He just wants you.
Give up the horses. The King is near. Love has arrived.
In God’s economy, the impossible is a gift, not a curse.
Let’s put the apples down. We’ve already got the orchard.
Because he loves us. In his arms. In the pigpen. He loves us.
I’ve got God, right now. I don’t need the idol of what’s next.
Jesus always plays with the kids no one else plays with on the playground.
God’s bigger than that thing you worried about or dreamt about. I promise.
God is doing a new thing. In me, in you, in us. The old has gone, the new has come!

He’s God. I’m me. When I remember that simple arrangement, life goes so much better.

The God who loved Judah and David and Paul, loves you. And that’s a very redeeming thought.

Sometimes the stranger you meet has a story to share, if, you’ll take the time to ask a question.

Your identity is set. That debate is over. Today, don’t be a shy work of art. Be a loud work of art.

You’ve been with Jesus – A savior who loves doing extraordinary things with ordinary people like us.

Rescue is a one way trip. There will be no going back. For you, for me, for all the imperfect people.

More banners. Less guns. More grace. Less works. More boasting. Less hiding. Want to come with me?

You and I can rest in the truth of that and be bold in the risks we take and the hope we have. Because our identity is not at stake.

What does He call us? What phrase or words does he give us instead of “Real Christian?” Son. Daughter. And it turns out, those two words are enough.

This really is a very good book. Go read it to your kids again.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From “Little House On The Prairie” by Laura Ingalls Wilder

We can’t get across the Mississippi after the ice breaks. *** Trees mean water *** All’s well that ends well. *** God that doesn’t forget the sparrows won’t leave a good dog like Jack out in the cold. *** You must mind your manners, even if we are a hundred miles from anywhere. *** A sprain’s soon mended. *** You can’t fight fifty wolves with one gun. *** Little Pitchers have big ears. *** A man doesn’t need nails to build a house or make a door. *** Good weather never lasts forever on this earth. *** Don’t play with snakes. *** What are neighbors for but to help each other out? *** It’s an ill wind that doesn’t blow some good. *** Whatever a massacre was, it was something that grown-ups would not talk about when little girls were listening. *** It isn’t nice to contradict. *** Santa Claus travels with a pack-mule in the southwest. *** A miss is as good as a mile. *** The last thing we want to do is act like we’re afraid. *** There’s no great loss without some small gain. *** What’s a year amount to? We have all the time in the world. *** Hanging’s too good for horse thieves. *** Tenderfeet shouldn’t be allowed loose west of the Mississippi!

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these –

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned from 2001: A Space Odyssey By Arthur C Clarke

Great philosophers are prepared to overly striking exceptions to their theories. *** No matter how many times you leave Earth, the excitement never really palls. *** On this hostile world, men can still joke about the things they have been forced to leave behind – and which their children would never miss. *** You can’t have very small intelligent creatures; you need a minimum brain size. *** Speculation is a waste of time, you must wait until there is more evidence. *** Pandora’s box is waiting to be opened by inquisitive Man. And what will he find inside. ***Spacesuits are a necessary evil. ***Nature always balances her books. ***The time has not yet come when Man can leave his mark upon the Solar System. ***Despite all the electronic read-outs, there were times when good, old fashioned printed material is the most convenient form of record. *** Nothing can be taken for granted in space. ***Take things easy – never move quickly – stop and thing – these are the rules for extra-vehicular activity. If one obeys them, there is never any trouble. ***We can design a system that’s proof against accident and stupidity; but we can’t design one that’s proof against deliberate malice. ***Work is the best remedy for any shock. *** There are more ways than one around the back of space.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From The Lord Of The Rings, Books 2,3 and 4

Don’t adventures have an end? I guess not. *** I must have something to work on. *** One must tread the path that need chooses. *** Let us rest as much as we can. *** A man can both walk in legends and on the green earth. *** When the great fall, the less must lead. *** It is likely enough that we are going to our doom. But if we stayed home and did nothing, doom would find us anyway. *** An old man with feet that leave marks may be no more than he seemed. *** Let us look first and guess later. *** If it is all we can do to sit down beside and show our friendship by starving together, then we must do that. *** Hope is not victory. *** Have patience. Go where you must go, and hope. *** Seldom does thief ride home to the stable. *** My counsel is to cast aside regret and fear. To do the deed at hand. *** I would not snare even an orc with a falsehood. *** Tidings of death have many wings *** War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour us all. But I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend. *** Better mistrust undeserved than rash words. *** If you’re short of sleep cold water on the neck’s like rain on wilted lettuce. *** It is not good to sleep too soon after meat. *** The praise of the praiseworthy is above all rewards.

I have posted several lists of Aphoristic Lord Of The Rings Quotations and I thought I’d make a page to compile them all. Here it is.

Fellowship of the Ring (Book 1)
Fellowship of the Ring (Book 2)
The Two Towers (Book 3)
The Two Towers (Book 4)
Return of the King (Book 5)
Return of the King (Book 6)

Fellowship Of The Ring (Reread – Book 1)
Fellowship and Two Towers (Reread – Books 2-4)(More to come)

For completeness sake:
Quotes From The Movie Not In The Book

The Hobbit (Part 1)
The Hobbit (Part 2)
The Hobbit (Part 3)

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Statements In The Lord Of The Rings Movies That Weren’t In The Books

None of us should wander alone. *** Hearts of men are easily corrupted. *** Be at peace. *** Even the smallest person can change the course of the future. *** Nobody tosses a dwarf. *** Some things that should not have been forgotten were lost *** It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. *** No parent should have to bury their child. *** There is still hope. *** Keep breathing. That’s the key. Breathe. *** Certainty of death, small chance of success… What are we waiting for? *** I do not believe this darkness will endure. *** A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand. *** No more despair. *** Do not come between the *Nazgul and his prey. *** No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path. *** Nothing is certain. *** Some things are certain. *** Mist and shadow, cloud and shade. All shall fade. *** This day does not belong to one man but to all. Let us together rebuild this world that we may share in the days of peace. *** Do not give in to fear! Stand to your posts!

* I mean, right? Even though this didn’t work out in the movie, it’s still pretty good advice, generally speaking.

Last week marked the end of my third year of blogging, and as I’ve done in the previous two anniversaries, I will mark it with a Friday Everything.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From This Year’s Friday Everythings – The Entries with 2,3,4,5 and 6 Words

Mohamed was not perfect. *** Dear God, help me. *** We can always hope.  *** Pray to Jesus. ***  Don’t lose faith. *** Accept the will of God. *** There’s always danger. *** God is indeed great. *** You can’t believe everything you read. *** Loneliness will blind you. *** Lighten up while you still can. *** Insufficient data coming through. ***  We super powers have it tough. *** There’s no delaying the inevitable. *** I hate snakes. *** Nothing shocks me. I’m a scientist. *** DON’T call me Junior! *** “X” marks the spot. *** Dance on your own time. *** We can’t plan on everything. *** People change in six years. *** People do strange things for religion. *** There is no combat without movement. *** One victory is not a habit. *** Analyze, then build. *** Be creative in your thinking. *** Influence is power. *** I’m in favor of surviving. *** Strange dreams are a safety valve. *** Don’t interrupt. *** Eagles aren’t forks! *** Don’t stray off the track. *** Don’t leave the path! *** May your beard grow ever longer. *** Third time pays for all. *** Every worm has his weak spot. *** Lucky numbers don’t always come off. *** It is horrible being all alone. ***  Never laugh at live dragons. *** Where there’s life, there’s hope. *** Cram is much better than nothing. *** Even a burglar has his feelings. *** May your shadow never grow less. *** Share and share alike. *** Orthodontists speak fluent ‘Brace’*** We’re all victims of Data. *** I love eggplants! *** Take away my pride. *** Take away my cynicism and anger. *** Help me to take responsibility. *** Courage is found in unlikely places. *** A good guy, Occam. *** Power to the people. *** Nothing is completely okay. *** Beauty is a gift.

Since this one is parenting parenting focused I decided to put it over at my other blog.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Children, Racial Harmony And The Gospel I Learned From Pastor John’s Sermon Last Week

This was the second Dekker book and just like the first, I recommended it for enterainment, not literature.

I was impressed by this book. It had some pretty good twists that made me want to read it again. But I will warn you – from the beginning to the end, it is a dark thriller that has not very much happiness at all.

 Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From The Book “Three” By Ted Dekker

Evil is beyond the reach of no man. *** The deepest questions can drive a man mad. The problem of evil is one of those questions. *** Stay calm and process. *** Washington sees terrorists behind every tree these days. *** Disorder is the enemy of understanding. *** If you stay in the hole too long it becomes your tomb. *** Beauty is a gift. *** The press has a right to know anything that might lend to the city’s safety. *** Murder isn’t exactly your typical confession. *** Murder, gossip, what’s the difference? Evil is Evil. *** You don’t fight evil with evil; it just leads to anarchy. *** Great things always come at great risk. *** We all have pasts filled with mystery and murder. *** You are not your sin. *** You can’t slay the dragon without luring it out of its hole. *** Most people live in their own worlds of delusion. *** There is an absolute. There is good and evil. *** Perhaps the most you can do is try to understand, so that if an opportunity does come, you’re better equipped. *** Four days of hell will tell you a lot about a man. *** Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Christmas And New Years I Learned From Calvin

I’m staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot this year, and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I don’t get up. *** That darn Santa has got me every way I turn. *** I hate this time of the year. I’ve got to be good for two more weeks if I want any goodies this Christmas! I’ll never make it.I TRY to be good! I DO! My heart is as pure as driven snow! It’s just that, well, sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! I’m usually an innocent bystand… HEY, I SAW you roll your eyes! So you don’t believe me, eh?! ME?? By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when I’M through with you! *** Look, Hobbes, no one SAW us fighting, right? This can be OUR little SECRET, OK? Santa doesn’t have to know about this, right? *** Boy, if it wasn’t so close to Chrismas, I’d pound you good! Oh no you don’t! You’re not tempting ME! I want every item on my Christmas list, so I’m being GOOD. No matter what the provication! Here comes Susie Derkins. Really? Quick, help me find a pine cone I can throw at… …NO! I’m being GOOD! Good! Good! Good! *** SANTA — WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP ‘EM OFF HERE! — CALVIN. *** I’ve been thinking. They say Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa’s OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That’s all? Sure. He’d catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He’d create the impression he’s watching more than he really is! But now that I’m on to him, I’m going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on me? Ooh, I didn’t think of that! She’s a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa’s watching now, seeing as I’m being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless. *** I’m getting nervous about Christmas. *** It’s all relative. What’s Santa’s definition? How good do you have to be to qualify as good? I haven’t KILLED anybody. See, that’s good, right? I haven’t committed any felonies. I didn’t start any wars. I don’t practice cannibalism. Wouldn’t you say that’s pretty good? Wouldn’t you say I should get lots of presents? *** I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year’s resolutions I wrote. He said he’d be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren’t for ME, they were for HIM. That’s why we’re outside now. *** I’m getting disillusioned with these new years. They don’t seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything’s still the same! There’s still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven’t changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! *** and Santa, if I get any lords a-leaping or geese a-laying, you’ve HAD it. Hmm… That might not be politic.

This is a paperback I picked up at a used book sale at work. It’s a techno-thriller from the 90s. I don’t recommend it, but it was interesting to see how computers have changed since then. There are quite a few notable comments here about computers and programming

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From The Fools Run By John Sandford

We have an abundance of good-looking blondes in Minnesota *** If you leave bad paintings laying around they end up on walls. *** A good guy, Occam. *** Power to the people. *** A war is business by other means. *** Dreamers lose track of what’s going on around them; Dreamers try to outrun bullets and outshoot cops. They move from one act to the next with no assessment of consequence. *** Personal cars are invisible in America as long as you don’t buy gas on credit cards or get traffic tickets. *** A computer attack on a major corporation is a technological-age nightmare. If word of a corporate war got out to the computer community the reaction could be violent. Some unpleasant people could come looking. *** Think about the money. *** Always be alert. America needs more lerts. *** There’s a technique for following another car. You never get too close. You stay in an adjacent lane rather than directly behind the car you’re following, and you memorize the other cars taillights. A good surveillance man will risk losing the car before he risks being spotted. *** I couldn’t do computers. I mean it sounds neat, but it really just sitting in front of a TV tub and pushing buttons. *** Nothing is completely okay. *** Computer programming can be as beautiful and complicated as a tree, as compelling as the best painting. Programmers admire each other’s code. They talk like rock climbers: That was a very difficult pitch, and look how he did it – with style. *** A good programmer uses a computer’s potential to create worlds where other people will live. *** Anytime you build a complicated electronic machine there are always mistakes. *** Computers are the water engineers swim in. They don’t question the answers the get from a computers any more than a fish questions water. They know the computer is correct: the problem must be elsewhere. ***  You never carry plastic explosives in your teeth.

What can I say? I’m reading it again (this time to my kids) and I found more.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From The Fellowship Of The Rings – Book 1

Always after a defeat and a respite, the Shadow takes another shape and grows again. *** What a wizard guesses is always difficult to tell. *** I pity snails and all that carry their homes on their backs. *** We all like walking in the dark. *** I don’t keep water in my pockets. ***The road goes on forever, but I can’t without a rest. *** Now far ahead the Road has gone and I must follow if I can, pursuing it with weary feet, until it joins some larger way, where many paths and errands meet. And whither then, I cannot say. *** Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both ‘no’ and ‘yes’. *** If you demand advice, I will for friendship’s sake give it. *** Courage is found in unlikely places. *** I don’t want to answer a string of questions while I am eating. I want to think. *** I don’t rightly know what I want: but I have something to do before the end. I must see it through. *** It’s no good our starting to go in zigzags. That won’t mend matters. *** Rain may fall and wind may blow, and many miles be still to go. But under a tall tree I will lie and let the clouds go sailing by. *** All’s well that ends well, though perhaps we should not say that until we reach our own doors. I’ll not deny that I’ll be glad now when I do.

I regularly meet with a large group of men at our church. The last time I met with them we all went around the room and mentioned something they would like from God. I wrote them down.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From A Men’s Prayer Group

Grant me repentance and give me a heart of flesh. *** Grant me love for you. *** Help me not to fear man. *** Grant me a hunger for your word. *** Grant me a deeper prayer life. *** Unemcumber me. *** Hold me a higher standard; I am not adequate. *** Change me as a man. *** Make me a Godly father. *** Help me not to be derailed by Satan. *** Help me to live out the gospel in my family. *** Help me to keep seeking you; pour out your spirit on me. *** Give me clarity of mind; help me to know when to proclaim the gospel. ***Take away my pride. *** Take away my cynicism and anger. *** Help me to take responsibility. *** Help me to walk and not faint. *** Don’t let Satan have me. *** Change my routine; take away my idols. *** Help me to see my sin as sin. *** Take away my self-righteousness.

In college, I started a habit where after finals week was done, I would go through all of the notes from the semester and for each class write a one page list of statements summarizing the main points of the class. It’s a practice I recommend. In any case, here are some results. They are from 5 classes, can you guess what classes they were?

 

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In My Classes At Bethel

 

Philosophy is the love of wisdom: naturalism, idealism, realism, pragmatism and existentialism. *** A pairwise disjoin group of sets is enough to cover all of the larger set without overlapping. *** We start with some assumptions (postulates) which give us a groundwork for making proofs. As we choose more and more postulates, we are restricted as to the kinds of possible geometric systems, more and more. *** Repeat important things and have students repeat them for you. *** 4 Kinds of sub-programs: Intrinsic functions, statement functions, function subprograms and subroutines. *** Liking kids is not enough to be a good teacher. *** Euler circuits are connected graphs where all the vertices have an even degree. *** It is not wise to let students know that you like some of them more than others. *** If two points A,B are in a convex set S, then all of AB is in S – Definition of a convex set. *** Discipline is not just reinforcing the good and ignoring that bad (behaviorism) but that is a big part of it. *** Top-down design in computing is finding an algorithm first, testing it, and then implementing it. *** In a sequential circuit, what comes out depends of the state of a circuit as well as the input. *** Mainstreaming is putting special education students at the most normal, least restrictive type of education possible. *** Tests should be evaluated for objectivity, cheatability, speed, and taxonomy levels reached. *** The love of God is for all nations and all history, not just Israel. *** Nation conquering nation is sometimes a form of God’s punishment. *** The Old Testament individuals were saved by grace, just as we are. *** A subspace is a vector space if it is closed under addition and multiplication. *** Components of the computer: Central processing unit, internal memory, Auxiliary memory, input devices, output devices. *** Christ did not come to start a new religion or a new nation, but to be a suffering servant and to bring all nations into his fold. *** The binary search is good and the bubble sort is bad.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Calvin (From Calvin & Hobbes)

This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed lower over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky! … That’s when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn’t get my bottom out of the bed. 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don’t start much worse than this. *** I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… She said they certainly wouldn’t have PAID for me. You can relate this little story when reporters ask how I went bad. *** I don’t DO math any more. I decided I’m more of a “visual” person. *** This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. *** I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question. *** Like it’s MY fault she hasn’t gotten the chimney swept. *** Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can’t believe I did it!  *** I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs “Buzzy the Hummingbird” doll! *** County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That’s what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don’t THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don’t read.

Yet even more from the creative, clever, crazy, contextless people I work with.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From My Coworkers, Part 3 (The Last)

I’m an issueless guy most of the time . . . . Notice I said issueless, not clueless *** We need to cross the finish line no matter how ugly it is. *** We apologize for any incontinence this may have caused you. *** I think the first step in insurance fraud is not telling everyone you’re going to do it. *** You can talk for hours, but do it quickly. *** I usually eat lunch five times a week. That’s just how I roll. *** You see? He is the squeaky wheel and the rest of you are the quiet and not really working wheels! *** With other companies, ‘engagement’ means the executives tell you what to do. At <<our company>> ‘engagement’ means the executives kind of know what you are doing *** Okay let me get that in the minutes: << Person In Meeting>> suggests breaking your leg. *** Some of our products have more frequent flyer miles than a 747 pilot. ***  What could be more important than High Impact Demand Chains? . . . . Oh, new grand daughter. . . . Well, that could be one thing. *** God always appears to be on the side of big armies. *** He employs a power point technique we call “Purple Splotches.” *** And then without any tangential misdirections from Chris, we may get somewhere. *** If I, and this will be comforting to you, ever go crazy and come to work with a gun, I won’t shoot up our department. . . . I know where I’m going. *** You need to figure out how it can come out of the machine and <<slaps herself three times>> ‘You need to change the password!’ *** I love eggplants!

More from the creative, clever, crazy, contextless people I work with.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From My Coworkers, Part 2

I better get to work. Karen’s knuckles are turning white. *** I spent the holidays skiing with my children, all of them younger than myself. *** It’s been broken for 100 years. It doesn’t have to be fixed tomorrow; It can wait until next week. *** I used to be many things and nice is one of them. *** How do you know if it’s not edible until you take a bite? *** Someone moved your cheese, it looks like! ‘No, I’m going to wait for my cheese right here in Microsoft Access.’ *** If I would have to give him the Heimlich maneuver, I’d freak out! *** Scott, RDC Test looks fine. I know I didn’t state any specific goals or performance objectives; I tend to be an informal type of project leader. So it’s probably my fault for not indicating it in my request, but I really would like to see JUNE data in the test file. Thanks!! *** We should just send a message out and say ‘You’re a putz and you should fix it.’ *** My only two requirements in a woman is she has to breathe and ski. *** Hi, I’m a 43 year old mother of 3 and I’m working on something with some people and I’m looking for a report. *** That’s another rule for the facilitator: ‘Don’t be too abusive.’ *** Oh my gosh! My last car had a steering wheel and this one has a steering wheel! *** That’s one thing you should remember about me: I can bounce back like a bad penny. *** We should call it the “Freight ‘We’re getting screwed’ Report”. *** Isn’t there a song like that – “Livin’ in an As-Was World?” *** I don’t know anything off the top of my head. It’s kind of thin up there. *** Well, thanks for showing the whole world that I stink, but now I need to know why I stink. *** It’s as pretty as shoes made out of silk with no soles on the bottom. *** There’s no logic in screwing me up.

I like my work and I like my coworkers – they are creative, intelligent and they make me laugh. These are actual quotes that I have collected from meetings.

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From My Coworkers

I believe in Revenge. That’s a good motto of mine. *** If you can’t keep up, you fall behind. *** It isn’t just ‘Pull the pickles off’. Report production isn’t as easy as fast food. *** I submit to you that if we have a car with three wheels at the end of August, we will give it to them. Just: ‘Everybody lean this way!’ *** Anything is better than nothing. *** We are one team; we’re just offensive and defensive. *** Change because of the outside world? I don’t think so. *** That might be easy for the common person to say, but it’s not necessarily true in my little world *** It’s never my fault. It’s always the data. *** It would be nice if we were perfect *** You need to start with the basics and pull the string. “A cow goes ‘moo’.” And then you got something. *** Some of these names suck. I don’t want to tell my daughters what my title is right now. *** When I noticed it, I was afraid that something was wrong, but of course it wasn’t; we don’t do wrong things here. *** I get red when I’m angry, I get red when I’m wrong, I get red when I’m laughing . . . I just get red *** We have to be an exemplary example. *** ‘Is December there, yet?’, “Hang on, let me check. DECEMBER? DECEMBER? No, December’s not here today – called in sick.” *** I can’t believe I’m sitting here and breathing in oxygen and breathing out carbon dioxide when things like this are going on. *** If they know that, then they probably already know that. *** Ask not what your programmer can do for you. *** We’re all victims of Data.

Well, it’s been a year since my last Funny Piper Statement List so it’s time for a new set. But first a few notes:

* All Taken from Sermons
* All taken completely out of context
* None found in the Online Sermon Texts (but many are on the videos) 

30 Witticisms from Pastor Piper 

  • I hope there are no cars in heaven.
  • I came to Christ when I was 6; I’m 64. I’m not optimistic about getting out of sin.
  • I don’t want to live in this body for the rest of eternity. I can’t see. My wife thinks I can’t hear. I can hear, but my wife thinks I can’t. It’s the fan! It’s the fan!
  • And he will give the – Oh, that’s right! I’m talking to the downtown campus. Did he do it? This is really weird. I’m asking a future question.
  • You don’t need to work to make Christianity controversial. Just read sentences from the Bible.
  • He’s got about 120 people after 3 years of ministry and he’s the Son of God. That’s not a very impressive church plant.
  • Should I wear this suit? Well, if you average it out over 15 years, maybe. Maybe.
  • You think knowing Greek solves problems, it doesn’t. It creates problems.
  • You can’t believe how many people have been saved off napkins. Napkin evangelism is very fruitful.
  • ‘And’ is not helpful. ‘And’ can mean anything.
  • You can be egalitarian to the core and be a member of this church. You’re just going to hear complimentarianism over and over and over again.
  • If you’re not in Hell tomorrow, you should be dancing.
  • It’s not wrong to write a story with suspense, this one <John 1> just doesn’t have it.
  • Their problem isn’t epistemological. Can I use that word?
  • I don’t have a sophisticated definition. I don’t even know what a recession is. I just heard it on the radio a lot.
  • If pastors don’t get cancer once in awhile, they start thinking – “Cancer? What’s wrong with you? You must have smoked! Or eaten . . . whatever it is they put in pop.”
  • I went to the website. I got so excited I gave $100.
  • One of the curses of our modern day is that everything John Piper says is immortalized on the web.
  • Now I lost my place, because I didn’t say that in any other sermon.
  • That’s what it’s going to be like in heaven. Skin and bouncing balls and lions and lambs lying down together. Dogs. No cats! Well, I guess the lion’s a cat.
  • The problem is, it doesn’t do any good to nudge a corpse. If you do that, you can get a corpse to church, but you can’t make it alive.
  • . . . And I am not relaxed. I am not trying to be chipper in my demeanor.
  • If you don’t have a bible, don’t be ashamed . . this Sunday.
  • Do you want to go home right now and watch TV? Don’t say it out loud if you do! You will be so embarrassed. Because I will say bad things about you.
  • Ignore the verse numbers. Just: when you see the little ‘35’, imagine it’s not there.
  • This is huge! This globally, historically, epocally (if this is a word) huge!
  • As I read the commentaries, nobody knows what’s going on here. You’re thinking ‘if only I knew Greek.’ Wouldn’t help!
  • <The woman at the well is saying:> ‘As long as we’re talking about my adultery, where do you think we should worship?’
  • What are you going to say right there? “Well, it’s kind of complex and there are disagreements in the church and there are a lot of scholars and a lot of opinions and . . .” Weasel, weasel, weasel . . .
  • Please! When I’m here thirty years, don’t give me a free trip to Israel – Fix my car!
  • I have no problem with you going to Israel, don’t send me emails.

Do you want more Piper stuff? Check out my complete list of Definitions used by Pastor Piper

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