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Compiled by Jamsco 

Everything I ever needed to know I learned from Bill Murray

I’m not living by their rules anymore! ··· I don’t have to take this abuse from you, I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me. · That’s a fact, Jack! ··· There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t. ··· My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of boots. ··· Baby step to four o’clock. ··· 24 hours a day, seven days a week. No job is too big, no fee is too big. ··· There are some downsides to being a spy: The torture. But the women – they’re nice after the torture. ··· You ever hear of Tourette’s syndrome? Well, if I fake it then I don’t have it. · This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion. ··· I think I need a root canal. I definitely need a long, slow root canal. · Don’t order the Schnitzel, they’re using Schnauzer. ··· Suck in the guts, guys. ··· You want a prediction about the weather, you’re asking the wrong Phil. I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be gray, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life. ··· Now, for some of you it doesn’t matter. You were born rich and your going to stay rich. But here’s my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you. ··· What if I’m looking for a bathroom, I can’t find one…and my bladder explodes? ··· NOBODY steps on a church in my town! ··· I don’t like when somebody comes up to me the next day and says, “Hey, man, I saw your play. It touched me; I cried.” I like it when a guy comes up to me a week later and says, “Hey, man, I saw your play… what happened?” ··· When I want a wife, I’m gonna buy a wife ··· License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to lie back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote. ··· It’s the same things your whole life. “Clean up your room!”, “Stand up straight!”, “Pick up your feet!”, “Take it like a man!”, “Be nice to your sister!”, “Don’t mix beer and wine, ever!”. Oh yeah, “Don’t drive on the railroad track!” ··· Back off man. That may work with the chicks, but not with me. ··· We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi, we’re not Spartans, we’re Americans! With a capital “A,” huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world! ··· I got to get into this dude’s pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who’s the gopher’s ally. His friends: The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit. ··· And even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child joined hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn’t matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they’ve got all the money! It just doesn’t matter if we win or if we lose. IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! ··· Back off, man. I’m a scientist ··· Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today. ··· So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the
Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one—big hitter, the Lama—long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

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February 2007