I not a big fan of spicy food, or food from exotic countries, or ethnic foods or even really fancy foods. This is something that has always been true about me. I like American foods. I like meat and potatoes and bread. I can have certain foods multiple times a month and not get bored.

Now the impression I get is that people who really enjoy spicy or ethnic food or never let themselves get into a culinary rut either look down on a person like me or feel bad for me. Either: You coward – try something different for once! Or: You poor guy, don’t feel bad, not all of us can be risk takers.

But I think of it differently:
Oh, I’m sorry. You don’t really enjoy dining if it’s not really spicy? It must be hard for you to be satisfied. That must be rough.

I am a man whose best beverage drinking experience is most likely a really cold pepsi (75 cents) with a pizza. Oh, you really want a bottle of wine with your dinner? There goes 35 bucks. Too bad.

I am a man whose favorite dining experience is an 8 dollar half pound burger at Fuddruckers. Oh, you spent 83 dollars (not including tip) at that fancy restaurant? And you’ll be hungry again tomorrow? I really hoped you liked it.

I could go to Spaghetti Factory, with its not very authentic and not very seasoned spaghetti, multiple times a month. Oh, you’ve already been there this year and you only go to the same restaurant once a decade? Good thing there are a lot of restaurants around here.

In short – I pity you.

But there is another group of people, eating-wise, of whom I am envious. Say you’re at a party where there are lots of different kinds of snacks and appetizers. There are three kinds of people:

1. The Normal People: These are the people who eat the chips and brownies and fried stuff because, hey, it’s a party. I want to eat what I like.
2. The Dieting people: They eat the vegetables and fruits because they think it will help them lose weight or regain health.

But there is a rare kind of person who aren’t included in either of these lists

3. The People who eat raw fruit and vegetables because they actually like them better than junk food. Now my first thought about these people is that they are disturbing. Possibly even untrustworthy. Are they aliens?

This is the kind of people (assuming they’re not lying, which I strongly suspect! But let’s give them the benefit of the doubt for a moment) who could and should pity me:

You’d rather have a chocolate covered cherry than a cherry tomato?
   Uh, yeah.
I’m sorry. Maybe when you grow up and become an adult, taste-wise.
   Yeah, maybe then.

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