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(I thought I’d take a little break from LOTR for a week) 

Everything I ever needed to know I learned from Bruce Willis 

This is the nineties. You don’t just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first. ···  Sorry Hans, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change? ··· Hi, Mickey O’Brien, aquaduct security. We’ve had a report of a guy coming through here with, uh, eight reindeer.  Yeah, they said he was a jolly old fat guy with a snowy white beard. Cute red clothes. I’m surprised you didn’t see him ··· There’s safety in sandwiches ···  The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anyone wanna say no? ···  I’m gonna keep the coke and the fries but I’m gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I’m gonna come over to your house,  <violent act edited out>, set fire to your house, and watch as you  <result of violent act edited out>  ··· Take this under advisement, jerkweed! ··· Relax, I know what I’m doing. ··· The CIA didn’t know the Berlin Wall was falling until the bricks started hitting them in the face. ··· Oh, wouldn’t it be great if I was crazy? Then the world would be okay.  ··· You’re right, you’re right, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. ··· You haven’t even tried doughnuts yet. You wanna store some fat, that is the way to store some fat, you’ll be sweating through the winter. ···  Let me ask you something. If you get called a jerk four times in a single day, does that make it true?  ··· The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. ···  I was always kinda’ partial to Roy Rogers actually. I really dig those sequined shirts. ··· That is an S.U.V; Humans ride in then because they are slowly losing their ability to walk ··· Do unto others before you’re turned into a pillar of salt. ··· Is looking like a constipated warthog a prerequisite for getting a job in the art world? ··· Hey! It’s not important. Besides, I’m the car. I’m *always* the car. ··· I’m telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up – I would hate to… I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise. ··· All I want is an explanation. Look, I just got in. I just smashed my cab, I lost my job, I got mugged. Besides that, everything’s peachy. Thanks for asking ··· You can know the rules and still do the wrong thing. ··· This is the land of opportunity, gentlemen. The opportunity to turn yourselves in. ··· Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs… ··· Days change, seasons change, people don’t change ··· Maybe the human race deserves to be wiped out. ··· Everybody ends up dead. It’s just a matter of when. ··· I was born without a conscience. ···  It’s a funny thing about people. One time out of a hundred they turn out better than you expect. ··· Houston, you have a problem. ··· You wanna’ know what this is all about? You can say this about drugs or guns or bad decisions, what ever you like. But this whole thing is about parenting. And taking care of your children.··· Now, the traps are set here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Here, here, here, here, big one here, here, and maybe a few over here ··· A hundred million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister.

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