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This is the first Everything that I wrote (also back in college) and it’s more of a straight parody of the original “Kindergarted” Everything. As I read it, I note that it is both Dark and Cheesy while diminishing neither.

Most of what I never needed to know I learned about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in Junior High. Immaturity and selfishness was not in the sandbox but there in the great cafeteria at middle school.


These are the things I learned: Mock everything, no need to put things back where you found them, the janitor will pick it up. Don’t take things that aren’t yours if anyone is looking. You can never have too much fun. Math and English and social studies are all boring and pointless.


Stay up as late as you can and stay in bed as late as you can. Be aware of peer pressure. We are insecure, so we make fun of each other and hurt each other and no one knows why, but we are all like that.


I learned that cheap, mean, dirty jokes get better laughs than clean clever jokes. I learned to be insecure about my body and that you needed to shower everyday and use deodorant or else people would point and make remarks behind your back.


Think of what a more pleasant world it would be if we all – the whole world – completely forgot what we learned in Junior High. What if the basic policy of our nations wasn’t “I better be careful and show my strength because if he senses my insecurity he might hit me. Or worse – insult me.” It would be more peaceful if we stuck to what we learned in kindergarten and forgot that when you go out in the world is best to have your hair neatly combed.


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July 2007
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