Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Calvin (Part 5)

I won’t eat any cereal that doesn’t turn the milk purple. *** The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they don’t care about issues this year. It’s character that counts. *** Nobody cares about your positions on fatherhood. We just want to know about your character. If you’re going to be dad here, we have to know you’ve never done or said anything that would reflect poorly on your judgement. I have your college yearbook here. Let’s flip through it, shall we? *** My life would be seem more interesting with a musical score and laugh track. *** Isn’t it sad how some peoples grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth. *** Santa Claus: kindly old elf, or CIA spook? *** Barney’s dad was really bad, so Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said “Eat your peas!” Barney shouted “No!” and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol’ dad. And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where he’d gone. ‘Cause Barney didn’t tell her. There his dad spent his life – Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years he was sorry he’d been cruel. The end. . . You know how a lot of stories have morals to them? *** What do you think is the meaning of true happiness? Is it money, cars and women? Or is it just money and cars? *** Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness. *** People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.