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Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Calvin (Part 12)


Nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. *** Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend. *** Tigers are very comforting. *** True friends are hard to come by. *** I need more money. *** I wish people were more like animals. Animals don’t try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren’t conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you’re sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. *** This is where our television used to be. But we don’t have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. *** People pay more attention to you when they think you’re up to something. *** This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like “The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club”!  *** ALL girls are slimy. *** Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We’ll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! *** I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life’s problems should be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think? *** Our favorite games are the ones we don’t understand! *** I can’t imagine mastering the skills involved here without a clearer understanding of who’s going to be impressed.


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