Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Calvin’s Dad.

How can you stand these cartoons? They’re just half-hour commercials for toys. And when they’re not boring, they’re preachy. And these characters don’t even MOVE. They just stand around blinking! What kind of cartoon is THAT?  *** Ahhh, what a day! Up at dawn! Fresh air! Tranquility! No demands, no phones, no pressure! The whole day is one’s own! Isn’t this great? Isn’t this the life? *** Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end.  ***  Gee, I wonder where Calvin went! And his tiger’s gone too! Now’s my chance to get away before they get back! Won’t Mom be glad when she hears I lost them! What? You’re here?? Oh rats … I mean, good! *** When I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don’t think I’d have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I’d known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed. *** The next time I see one of those smarmy Kodak commercials I’m going to put an ax through the TV. *** The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near flagstaff.The sun goes out as it sets. That’s why it’s dark at night. *** You can’t believe everything you read. *** Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story. *** I’m going to the office and get some sleep.

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