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Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Calvin (# 13)


You know, the world should’ve been designed so everyone didn’t have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could’ve used a more even distribution of its resources, that’s for sure. *** My junior scientist book says not to get discouraged by temporary setbacks. *** I’ve been thinking. You know how boring Dad is? Maybe it’s a big phony act! Maybe after he puts us to bed, Dad dons some weird costume and goes out fighting crime! Maybe this whole “Dad” stuff is his secret identity! Maybe the Mayor calls Dad on a secret hot line whenever the ciy’s in trouble! Maybe Dad’s a masked superhero! *** I’ve decided not to go to school this fall. I don’t need an education. I don’t need to learn things. I don’t need to develop skills. It’s too much trouble.  I’ll go on talk shows and hype myself. ***  Hold it. What’s the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacket? ***  There’s nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. *** It’s only work if somebody makes you do it. *** There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and, um, the internal combustion engine. *** Boy, when we’re the cover story of popular mechanics, I’ll have some choice words to say about family encouragement. *** Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *** All I’VE got to say is they’re not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it’s good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that’s what I say!  *** They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I’m outta here! *** Is it? It IS! It’s SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT’S SAAATURDAY!


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