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Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Calvin in Calvin & Hobbes – Part 14
Obviously my body doesn’t believe a word my brain is saying. *** I’ll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big. *** NO! What did the Supreme Court decide about that? Is this a prayer? Don’t you have to read me my rights? I don’t have to keep up with this stuff! I’m just a kid! I’m only here because my parents make me go! I don’t want to be a test case! I don’t even know what court district I’m in! Call on someone else! *** No teacher can resist a clear plastic binder! *** The surgeon general should issue a warning about playing with girls. *** Impossible?? Why, NOTHING’S impossible! Not for … STUPENDOUS MAN! Bum ba ba daa dum bum ba ba daa dum *** YES! It’s … STUPENDOUS MAN! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppression! Lover of liberty! *** For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untutured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I’ve re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It’s coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I’ll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I’ll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I’ll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I’ll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! … but there IS an alternative! I’m now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetime! *** Suppose there’s no afterlife. That would mean THIS life is all you get. And THAT would mean I’m sitting here in a bed as precious moments of my all-too-short life disappear forever. *** Pay attention to me. *** How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! It’s impossible. *** No teacher can resist a clear plastic binder! *** I’d like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. When a report looks this good, you know it’ll get an “A”. That’s a tip, kids. Write it down.