Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From This Week’s Newspaper Comics

Moments of Household Terror: Stepping on something squishy in the dark. *** Rubber boots are all the rage these days. *** Is ‘all the rage’ a metaphor for ‘really stupid looking’? *** It’s a good thing I don’t know what metaphor means. *** There is no shame in fearing that which sucks indiscriminately. *** I’ll eat anything as long as it’s something I recognize. *** Somehow macaroni and cheese has lost it’s challenge. *** A noose is still a noose even if it says ‘Gucci’ on it. *** Listening to someone else’s problems always depresses me. *** Orthodontists speak fluent ‘Brace’  *** Moments of Household Terror: Finding a capless pen in the dryer. *** If wearing shades is cool, I figure wearing three pairs of shades must be three times as cool. *** I like simple foods, that’s all. I could probably eat the same thing every day. Surely there are others like me. *** It never fails. Just hint that some of their troubles might be with themselves and they get mad at you. *** When your horse has died, it’s time to get off his back. *** If you accept criticism, you’re doomed to believe it. *** It’s hard pretending to be a bomber pilot with such a little bomber helmet. *** Trust me, when they say don’t drink the water, DON’T  *** It’s never a good sign when the cook gets sarcastic. *** Remind me again why bonus is tied to the performance of strangers. *** I shouldn’t tell you this, but we model our employee compensation programs after practical jokes.