Well, it’s been a year since my last Funny Piper Statement List so it’s time for a new set. But first a few notes:

* All Taken from Sermons
* All taken completely out of context
* None found in the Online Sermon Texts (but many are on the videos) 

30 Witticisms from Pastor Piper 

  • I hope there are no cars in heaven.
  • I came to Christ when I was 6; I’m 64. I’m not optimistic about getting out of sin.
  • I don’t want to live in this body for the rest of eternity. I can’t see. My wife thinks I can’t hear. I can hear, but my wife thinks I can’t. It’s the fan! It’s the fan!
  • And he will give the – Oh, that’s right! I’m talking to the downtown campus. Did he do it? This is really weird. I’m asking a future question.
  • You don’t need to work to make Christianity controversial. Just read sentences from the Bible.
  • He’s got about 120 people after 3 years of ministry and he’s the Son of God. That’s not a very impressive church plant.
  • Should I wear this suit? Well, if you average it out over 15 years, maybe. Maybe.
  • You think knowing Greek solves problems, it doesn’t. It creates problems.
  • You can’t believe how many people have been saved off napkins. Napkin evangelism is very fruitful.
  • ‘And’ is not helpful. ‘And’ can mean anything.
  • You can be egalitarian to the core and be a member of this church. You’re just going to hear complimentarianism over and over and over again.
  • If you’re not in Hell tomorrow, you should be dancing.
  • It’s not wrong to write a story with suspense, this one <John 1> just doesn’t have it.
  • Their problem isn’t epistemological. Can I use that word?
  • I don’t have a sophisticated definition. I don’t even know what a recession is. I just heard it on the radio a lot.
  • If pastors don’t get cancer once in awhile, they start thinking – “Cancer? What’s wrong with you? You must have smoked! Or eaten . . . whatever it is they put in pop.”
  • I went to the website. I got so excited I gave $100.
  • One of the curses of our modern day is that everything John Piper says is immortalized on the web.
  • Now I lost my place, because I didn’t say that in any other sermon.
  • That’s what it’s going to be like in heaven. Skin and bouncing balls and lions and lambs lying down together. Dogs. No cats! Well, I guess the lion’s a cat.
  • The problem is, it doesn’t do any good to nudge a corpse. If you do that, you can get a corpse to church, but you can’t make it alive.
  • . . . And I am not relaxed. I am not trying to be chipper in my demeanor.
  • If you don’t have a bible, don’t be ashamed . . this Sunday.
  • Do you want to go home right now and watch TV? Don’t say it out loud if you do! You will be so embarrassed. Because I will say bad things about you.
  • Ignore the verse numbers. Just: when you see the little ‘35’, imagine it’s not there.
  • This is huge! This globally, historically, epocally (if this is a word) huge!
  • As I read the commentaries, nobody knows what’s going on here. You’re thinking ‘if only I knew Greek.’ Wouldn’t help!
  • <The woman at the well is saying:> ‘As long as we’re talking about my adultery, where do you think we should worship?’
  • What are you going to say right there? “Well, it’s kind of complex and there are disagreements in the church and there are a lot of scholars and a lot of opinions and . . .” Weasel, weasel, weasel . . .
  • Please! When I’m here thirty years, don’t give me a free trip to Israel – Fix my car!
  • I have no problem with you going to Israel, don’t send me emails.

Do you want more Piper stuff? Check out my complete list of Definitions used by Pastor Piper