Well, it’s been a year since my last Funny Piper Statement List so it’s time for a new set. But first a few notes:
* All Taken from Sermons
* All taken completely out of context
* None found in the Online Sermon Texts (but many are on the videos)
30 Witticisms from Pastor Piper
- I hope there are no cars in heaven.
- I came to Christ when I was 6; I’m 64. I’m not optimistic about getting out of sin.
- I don’t want to live in this body for the rest of eternity. I can’t see. My wife thinks I can’t hear. I can hear, but my wife thinks I can’t. It’s the fan! It’s the fan!
- And he will give the – Oh, that’s right! I’m talking to the downtown campus. Did he do it? This is really weird. I’m asking a future question.
- You don’t need to work to make Christianity controversial. Just read sentences from the Bible.
- He’s got about 120 people after 3 years of ministry and he’s the Son of God. That’s not a very impressive church plant.
- Should I wear this suit? Well, if you average it out over 15 years, maybe. Maybe.
- You think knowing Greek solves problems, it doesn’t. It creates problems.
- You can’t believe how many people have been saved off napkins. Napkin evangelism is very fruitful.
- ‘And’ is not helpful. ‘And’ can mean anything.
- You can be egalitarian to the core and be a member of this church. You’re just going to hear complimentarianism over and over and over again.
- If you’re not in Hell tomorrow, you should be dancing.
- It’s not wrong to write a story with suspense, this one <John 1> just doesn’t have it.
- Their problem isn’t epistemological. Can I use that word?
- I don’t have a sophisticated definition. I don’t even know what a recession is. I just heard it on the radio a lot.
- If pastors don’t get cancer once in awhile, they start thinking – “Cancer? What’s wrong with you? You must have smoked! Or eaten . . . whatever it is they put in pop.”
- I went to the website. I got so excited I gave $100.
- One of the curses of our modern day is that everything John Piper says is immortalized on the web.
- Now I lost my place, because I didn’t say that in any other sermon.
- That’s what it’s going to be like in heaven. Skin and bouncing balls and lions and lambs lying down together. Dogs. No cats! Well, I guess the lion’s a cat.
- The problem is, it doesn’t do any good to nudge a corpse. If you do that, you can get a corpse to church, but you can’t make it alive.
- . . . And I am not relaxed. I am not trying to be chipper in my demeanor.
- If you don’t have a bible, don’t be ashamed . . this Sunday.
- Do you want to go home right now and watch TV? Don’t say it out loud if you do! You will be so embarrassed. Because I will say bad things about you.
- Ignore the verse numbers. Just: when you see the little ‘35’, imagine it’s not there.
- This is huge! This globally, historically, epocally (if this is a word) huge!
- As I read the commentaries, nobody knows what’s going on here. You’re thinking ‘if only I knew Greek.’ Wouldn’t help!
- <The woman at the well is saying:> ‘As long as we’re talking about my adultery, where do you think we should worship?’
- What are you going to say right there? “Well, it’s kind of complex and there are disagreements in the church and there are a lot of scholars and a lot of opinions and . . .” Weasel, weasel, weasel . . .
- Please! When I’m here thirty years, don’t give me a free trip to Israel – Fix my car!
- I have no problem with you going to Israel, don’t send me emails.
Do you want more Piper stuff? Check out my complete list of Definitions used by Pastor Piper
23 comments
Comments feed for this article
July 24, 2009 at 1:01 pm
jessicamelling
Oh man. This is awesome! I remember hearing a lot of them. The final two make me feel totally free and justified in hitting delete when the church gets email invitations to this or that trip to the Holy Land.
July 27, 2009 at 5:39 am
Jan
Thank you so much for helping me to not feel I am missing out on the ‘real’ sermons at BBC. I laughed out loud at the end.
August 3, 2009 at 7:53 am
Jared
Love this.
August 3, 2009 at 10:25 am
Brendt Waters
This is awesome. It’s stuff like this that bumps Pastor John from “really like” to “love” in my book. 😉
August 3, 2009 at 11:15 am
Mike
These were great but “I came to Christ when I was 6; I’m 64. I’m not optimistic about getting out of sin. ”
Cracked me up! Thats great!
Mike
August 3, 2009 at 1:46 pm
A Piper Cub Lands in Philistia » Blog Archive » facebook miscellania
[…] John Piper […]
August 3, 2009 at 3:55 pm
humanitasremedium
amazing. this is really fun.
August 4, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Jennifer Guo
Can you tell me the name of the sermon this witticism is from? “You can’t believe how many people have been saved off napkins. Napkin evangelism is very fruitful.”
I just read that on your post and wrote about it on my blog; this quote was particularly encouraging to me and I would like to hear the whole sermon. Thanks!
SDG!
August 4, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Napkin Evangelism « Jesus Christ and Him Crucified
[…] 2009 Posted by Jennifer Guo in Evangelism. trackback I just stumbled upon a blog post of “30 Witticisms from Pastor Piper“, one of which was: “You can’t believe how many people have been saved off napkins. […]
August 4, 2009 at 11:00 pm
jamsco
I put this on your blog, but it’s here:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2008/3370_We_Beheld_His_Glory_Full_of_Grace_and_Truth/
If you watch the video, it’s about 3/4ths of the way through.
August 5, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Jennifer Guo
Thank you so much for the sermon link! Several of my readers have told me they really enjoyed reading your collection of Piper witticisms 🙂
SDG
Jen
October 12, 2009 at 1:04 pm
5 minutes of absolute ackwardness « abigail’s leftovers
[…] After having sat under the teaching of Pastor John for many years now–most of my adult life–I can hardly think of a time where he was intentionally funny from the pulpit. However, he has on many occasions been unintentionally funny. For more on his unintentionally funny comments, see Jamsco’s documentation. […]
November 14, 2009 at 4:48 am
Yitzchak
Please — John Piper’s comments about Israel are inexcusable if they were uttered from the pulpit. How can a man who claims to worship the “Holy One of Israel, our King” (Psalm 89:18) say such a thing?
It might do you some good to re-read the ONLY description of the New Covenant given in the OT: Jeremiah 31:31-37. In particular, focus on the following:
Thus says the LORD (יהוה), who gives the sun for light by day and the fixed order of the moon and the stars for light by night, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar– the LORD of hosts (יהוה צְבָאוֹת) is his name: “If this fixed order departs from before me, declares the LORD, then shall the offspring of Israel (זֶרַע יִשְׂרָאֵל) cease from being a nation (גּוֹי) before me forever.” Thus says the LORD: “If the heavens above can be measured, and the foundations of the earth below can be explored, then I will cast off all the offspring of Israel (זֶרַע יִשְׂרָאֵל) for all that they have done, declares the LORD.” – Jeremiah 31:35-36
According to the great prophet Jeremiah, if you saw the sun shine today or the stars in the night sky, you can be assured that God’s promise to preserve the “offspring of Israel” — i.e., zera Yisrael — is in effect. Indeed, in the world to come, heavenly Jerusalem will have the names of the twelve tribes of Israel engraved upon its gates (Rev. 21:12).
Dr. Piper’s remark shows that he is clearly a “replacement theologian.” How sad…
November 14, 2009 at 9:04 am
jamsco
I’m sorry, which comments about Israel are you talking about?
November 14, 2009 at 4:50 am
Yitzchak
I should add: Piper’s church talks a lot about adhering to Biblical truth, but if these issues are presented, they are dismissed out of hand. I know — I attended BBC for years….
September 27, 2010 at 12:17 pm
John Piper Good Quotes: Part 3 « The Responsible Puppet
[…] And 3 Links: If you’d like more Piper Quotes Piper Quotes 1 Piper Quotes 2 […]
October 3, 2010 at 3:31 pm
Piper Quotes « Sola Fide
[…] I stumbled across these fantastic links. There are three pages to the quotes, read them at 1, 2, and […]
October 10, 2011 at 12:18 am
John Piper Good Quotes: Part 4 « The Responsible Puppet
[…] you’d like more Piper Quotes Piper Quotes 1 Piper Quotes 2 Piper Quotes […]
April 30, 2012 at 9:57 pm
Andrew
Does any one know what sermon this quote is from ?
That’s what it’s going to be like in heaven. Skin and bouncing balls and lions and lambs lying down together. Dogs. No cats! Well, I guess the lion’s a cat.
I remember it being so funny, but don’t remember what sermon it came from and am having no luck with my search.
Thanks!
May 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm
jamsco
It was from Easter Sunday 4/12/2009
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/i-have-seen-the-lord
But I think that means it was live and not on the video. But there may be something similar on the video.
September 10, 2012 at 2:20 am
John Piper Good Quotes: Part 5 « The Responsible Puppet
[…] you’d like see the other Piper Quotes posts . . . Piper Quotes 1 Piper Quotes 2 Piper Quotes 3 Piper Quotes […]
December 18, 2013 at 12:22 am
John Piper Good Quotes: Part 6 | The Responsible Puppet
[…] you’d like see the other Piper Quotes posts . . . Piper Quotes 1 Piper Quotes 2 Piper Quotes 3 Piper Quotes 4 Piper Quotes […]
January 28, 2014 at 12:54 am
John Piper Good Quotes: Part 7 (The Last) | The Responsible Puppet
[…] you’d like see the other Piper Quotes posts . . . Piper Quotes 1 Piper Quotes 2 Piper Quotes 3 Piper Quotes 4 Piper Quotes 5 Piper Quotes […]