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Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Calvin (From Calvin & Hobbes)

This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed lower over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky! … That’s when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn’t get my bottom out of the bed. 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don’t start much worse than this. *** I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… She said they certainly wouldn’t have PAID for me. You can relate this little story when reporters ask how I went bad. *** I don’t DO math any more. I decided I’m more of a “visual” person. *** This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. *** I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question. *** Like it’s MY fault she hasn’t gotten the chimney swept. *** Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can’t believe I did it!  *** I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs “Buzzy the Hummingbird” doll! *** County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That’s what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don’t THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don’t read.

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September 2009