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Hey, guys. We’re not falling for it. We can tell it’s you, trying to sell us something. Here’s what tipped us off:

1. The long pause.
I pick up the phone and I say “Hi, this is Scott” and hear nothing. For five seconds. No real person would do that. Cable companies, did you know that we’re in a time-based economy? Many Americans wouldn’t wait that long for their best friend.

2. The background noise.
It’s not like we’re like: What’s that? It sounds like a whole bunch of people between five and fifty feet away from the caller’s phone receiver muttering in a echoing room. Oh, it must be Jerry, my friend who lives in the two story warehouse with his extensive extended family, who must be all together eating supper or something.

3. The Asking me if I’m there when I just said it was me.
“Is Mr. or Mrs. Jamison there?” Weren’t you listening? Oh, that’s right. No, you weren’t.

4. The flat dull voice.
Aren’t you trying to sell something? Sound interesting. Sound real. Sound like you’re not reading from a card or like you haven’t been saying the same thing for the last 6.75 hours. Be someone I might want to talk to.

5. The mispronouncing my name.
Everyone on earth, when they see the name ‘Jamison’, knows that the ‘A’ is long. Everyone except the last five people who called me wondering if I’d be interested in the new billing plan from my phone company.

6. The congratulating me for being a worthy customer.
I’m guessing that if I had missed the last 9 payments to your credit card, you still might allow me to get in on the new Disability and Dismembership insurance policy offer.

Okay, I’m now seeing that number 6 doesn’t really fit into this list, because it’s not really a way that I determine if the caller is a telemarketer. But it still bugs me.

Have I missed anything that should be on this list?

Hey Abraham, where’s the love for ‘End Love’?

1. It starts small, but . . .

2. Watch the geese.

The question “What would you keep in a fire?” used to be hard and was answered in many ways. But now, wouldn’t almost everybody say “The hard-drive for the computer that houses all my personal files and pictures”?

Here are some phrases and how many instances of them can be found on Google.

“I’m the first to think this”: About 2,640 results

“No one is like me”: About 142,000 results

“I am completely different”: About 386,000 results

“I’m just like everyone else”: About 740,000 results

If, while in conversation with friends, you are going to use the correlative conjunction ‘but’ in a sentence, it adds a touch of class to put “ah, my foes, and oh, my friends” after it.

Some examples:

– The Twins may only be one game up right now, but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, they’re for sure going to make the play-offs.

– Sure, the common sql programmer might use an ‘inner join’ here, but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, the ‘outer join’ will work better.

– Yes, evidently the show ‘Lost’ was a big deal, but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, I didn’t watch a single minute of it so I can’t bring myself to care.

Any other helpful examples?

The Doctrine Of Hell begins with this statement: Good things should be praised.

Or do you have other suggestions?

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June 2010
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