Hey, guys. We’re not falling for it. We can tell it’s you, trying to sell us something. Here’s what tipped us off:

1. The long pause.
I pick up the phone and I say “Hi, this is Scott” and hear nothing. For five seconds. No real person would do that. Cable companies, did you know that we’re in a time-based economy? Many Americans wouldn’t wait that long for their best friend.

2. The background noise.
It’s not like we’re like: What’s that? It sounds like a whole bunch of people between five and fifty feet away from the caller’s phone receiver muttering in a echoing room. Oh, it must be Jerry, my friend who lives in the two story warehouse with his extensive extended family, who must be all together eating supper or something.

3. The Asking me if I’m there when I just said it was me.
“Is Mr. or Mrs. Jamison there?” Weren’t you listening? Oh, that’s right. No, you weren’t.

4. The flat dull voice.
Aren’t you trying to sell something? Sound interesting. Sound real. Sound like you’re not reading from a card or like you haven’t been saying the same thing for the last 6.75 hours. Be someone I might want to talk to.

5. The mispronouncing my name.
Everyone on earth, when they see the name ‘Jamison’, knows that the ‘A’ is long. Everyone except the last five people who called me wondering if I’d be interested in the new billing plan from my phone company.

6. The congratulating me for being a worthy customer.
I’m guessing that if I had missed the last 9 payments to your credit card, you still might allow me to get in on the new Disability and Dismembership insurance policy offer.

Okay, I’m now seeing that number 6 doesn’t really fit into this list, because it’s not really a way that I determine if the caller is a telemarketer. But it still bugs me.

Have I missed anything that should be on this list?

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