As I was looking at the last set of quotes that I have from Pastor John’s last sermons before he retired I decided to split them up into two posts because there were so many and some of them are fairly long. So this month I’m posting the more theological quotes from the last set and next month I’ll post what he had to say about preaching and pastoral transition.

For the months before he retired he spent several sermons talking about the key theological themes from our church – many of these quotes are along those lines.

As usual, 3 disclaimers:

1. All quotes taken from sermons.
2. All completely taken out of context.
3. None found in the Online Sermon Texts – but many are on the videos.

17 Humorous Quotes from Pastor John

  • There are no drop outs. Nobody’s lost who’s called. . . This is rock solid, covenant keeping power of a sovereign God. It’s not an inoculation on your arm, like “I got saved, I walked an aisle, I signed a card, so it can’t happen to me, I’ve got antibodies in my blood, against lostness.” It doesn’t work that way. Do you know what you’ve got? You’ve got the promise of God.
  • The term ‘Christian Hedonism’ is found in none of our official documents.  It’s not in the Constitution, it’s not in the church Covenant, it’s not in the values booklet, it’s not in the ten dimensions of church life. Nevertheless, some of us love this statement. It’s catchy and it’s … controversial and it’s not in the Bible and therefore zero pressure for you to like it, just because I do.
  • The point of an image is to image.
  • How does Paul respond? “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness. That the power of Christ may rest upon me.” What a man! What a crazy man! What a contrary-to-everything man … called a Christian.
  • Our goal is not to live a simpler life – you move to Northern Minnesota, eat organic, grow potatoes. I don’t know if you grow potatoes in northern Minnesota – our goal is to live with a wartime mentality.
  • “Would you bring another pillow for the den, please?” That’s not what prayer is for! To ring up the maid! … It’s not a domestic intercom.
  • “He hurls down his crystals of ice like crumbs. Who can stand before his cold?” I love living in Minnesota! Is that cold? That’s God! You haven’t felt cold yet all you Californians, just arrived.
  • I don’t know how people pray who don’t believe in the sovereignty of God to do the impossible. Because all the things I want to happen are impossible. If they’re possible I’ll do them.
  • So I’m going to close by reading from a hero. I have unabashed love for Jonathan Edwards. Okay? Unabashed love. If you want to get my back up, say something ugly about Edwards. Like talking about my mom, you know? He’s not perfect. Boy, oh, boy, was he not perfect. He wasn’t even a Baptist. Small flaw! Small flaw!
  • The highest good of the good news is Joy in God. Period. Nothing beyond it. You will never ever in the bible after that hear God say ‘Much more’ than God himself being your totally satisfying portion forever. ‘Much more’, like golf or something. No offense to golfers. Sorry, David. It just comes to my mind, because I find it so boring.
  • There aren’t any songs about complementarianism that I know of.
  • Where is anyone who leaps for joy, thinking, “I’m hated!”
  • Evidently John has a very elastic view of the last hour or the end of the age…. They were in the last hour two thousand years ago and we’re in the last hour [now]. That’s a stretchy hour.
  • [regarding the end times] I don’t know how far off they are. I have no idea. So if you think like I’ve been sounding like the man of lawlessness will come in 2014, wrong. I have no idea! Could be. Could be six more of God’s days. A week would be a good time for the end time. I hope that doesn’t discourage you.
  • There is nothing in Biblical Eschatology that says you, or your church or your family has to be a part of the ice age coming over the church and the world. Nothing! Which means – a picture in my head – okay, “the love of many will grow cold”. So this glacier is coming over the world to freeze out Christians at the end of the age – they’re all deceived. What’s our job? Torch it! Torch the glacier! So that a big hole happens in the glacier and you see God and it can be wide enough so that Minneapolis is red hot for Jesus when he comes!  Now Bemidji and  Duluth may have gone the way of all flesh. That’s just possible. Or maybe Duluth would be white hot for Jesus and the lake would be bubbling ….
  • I’m so tired of hearing, “The condition of society is the report card of the church.” No! This is God’s sovereign plan.
  • We like to say around here, “Go for it! You can only be killed!”


By the way, as usual, I’d love to hear what your favorites are.

If you’d like see the other Piper Quotes posts . . .
Piper Quotes 1
Piper Quotes 2
Piper Quotes 3
Piper Quotes 4
Piper Quotes 5

If you’d like to see other posts which had humor as a goal you can go to my attempts category.

And if you’d like to see information about the newest Bible Verse Memory CD made by me and other people at John Piper’s church, you can go here.