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“Wow,” I thought, “An on-line ad for a car insurance company that suggests that it can save me money! I need to look into this.”

I perused the information provided. And I considered it.

Insurance

If it had said, “Different Coverage for Less” I would have been less interested. But the ad clearly said, “Same Great Coverage For Less”. I thought, “Really?” but it confirmed this bit of knowledge three times, as if to answer me reassuringly, “Really.”

They truly had a clear picture of my situation: Indeed, I do work hard for my money. It’s scary how much the ad-writers know!

In fact, I was beginning to think that a friend of mine had ‘shared’ this company’s information with me, when I noted the text, “Sponsored” near the top. It was just a matter of good fortune that it came up as I scrolled. In any case, I was ready to act.

I wasn’t sure how to, though, until I spotted the handy “Learn More” button. Why, that’s exactly what I wanted to do!

So I clicked it and it brought me to a handy form to fill out my information. It took several minutes, but I thought, “I do want to ‘start saving today’, not later.”

And thus I endeavored to fill out the form, ignorant of that to which I was unaware of.

I admit, I should have noticed the clues. When they asked “How many models do you want to insure?” and the options were “0-20″,”20-50″,”50-100” and “more than 100” I thought, “Who owns more than a hundred cars?” But still I pressed on.

But then it asked, “Estimated Average Value of all Models” and the options were “0-$1”, “$1-$10” and “$10-$60”, and the like.

I thought, obviously this is a typo. I should let them know. They will be grateful. So I called the number at the bottom of the page and spoke with a personable insurance agent.

After we exchanged pleasantries, I said, “So anyway, surely your dollar ranges must be incorrect.”

And she said, “Oh, here we go again.”

And I said, “Oh, I see. It must be the case that you’ve been told numerous times about this error but your IT website developing programmer has yet to update the page and that is why you sound so miffed and/or irate.”

And she said, “No, that is not the case.”

And I said, “Oh, well, then it must be the case that it is a known issue with my browser software, Inter-Awesome”

And she said, “No, that is not the case.”

And I asked, “Please tell me then what is the case.”

And she said, “What you should, but clearly don’t, know, is that our company only insures Die-Cast toy cars.”

And after a few seconds I, being a bit stunned and confused, repeated, “Die-Cast T–”

And she impatiently interrupted, “You know – like hot wheels and matchbox cars”

And after a few seconds I, still being a bit stunned and confused, again repeated, “Hot wheels and Matchb–”

And she again, but with more ire apparent in her tone, interrupted a second time, “The ad couldn’t have been more clear! It’s obviously a small toy in the image! There’s a hand holding it! Did you think it to be a giant grotesque perversion of a human hand holding a full-size navigable vehicle?!?!”

And I thought, “I wonder how many exclamation points and questions marks I should add at the end of her last remark when I transcribe this interchange.” I decided upon two exclamation points and two question marks, respectively. In any case, I re-looked at the original image and saw that she was speaking accurately.

Insurance2

So I said out loud, “I see. That makes sen-”

And she, a third time, and with yet even greater emphasis, interrupted again, “I told that dratted marketer this was going to happen! I said, they’re going to think we’re selling insurance for real cars! The kind you drive! And he said, ‘I’ll put in a picture of a hand holding the car.’ And then he chuckled, he CHUCKLED, and said, ‘I’m sure that will make it clear enough for even the least-smart Facebook viewer’. But obviously he was wrong and his dratted chuckling was misplaced!”

And I thought, “next question – when transcribing, what word should I use to replace that very offensive word that she used not once, but twice in her exasperated rant.” I considered “dang”, “fracking” and “confounded” before finally landing on “dratted”.

But she was continuing: “I told him, ‘How about the words “Toy Car” instead of “Car”!’ I suggested -”

And now it was my turn to interrupt her.

“Ma’am?” I said, and then “Ma’am!”

And she stopped, sighed and said, resignedly, “What?”

And I said, truthfully and with a calm voice, “As it happens, I happen to be in the possession of more than two hundred currently uninsured die-cast toy cars”

She paused, as if not really believing me. And then she asked, in much the same way I had only a half hour earlier, “Really?”

And I responded in like manner, “Really.”

I’m pleased to say that our conversation went much better after that. And I can report that, while I think a $230 yearly deductable is a little steep and while I’m still unclear as to why liability is an issue, my 232 yellow 1971 mint Ford Mustang models are safely “covered”. For the 21st century and beyond.

DentalAd

I imagine that if this website had more room in the ad, they’d include some more helpful information:

1. Please note that we say “most affordable” but we don’t say “most pain free”. You might catch this from the fact that while two inch metal rods inserted into the jaw might a simple and cost effective way to permanently attach teeth to your gums, there may be a loss of comfort as these come into contact with the odd nerve or two.

2. We’ve put the handy red arrows for clarity. We aren’t going to leave teeth just floating in the air above the lower part of your mouth!

3. You can see how thinking outside the box can save you money. Why go to the expense of attaching three teeth when we can just glue the middle tooth to the outer two and then attach those?

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Interested in seeing more of my attempts at humor?

BadAdTo Facebook I say:

Has it come to this? You’ve lowered yourself to selling ads to consultants who teach people how to murder other people?
With golf clubs?

Really, I mean, Really?

To potential consumers of the product I say:

How competent a teacher can “Jim McLean” be if he hasn’t taught this would-be hit-woman the basics?

Like how about “By all means, don’t let your intended victim get within reach of your iron” for example?

Or “Try, when you’re beating someone to death, not to do it in what looks like a wide open field.”

Or “When swinging, keep your eyes on the target”. This lady looks like she’s staring at the ground.

In any case, were I his marketing adviser, this is not the photo I would have used.

I do give him props for having an innocuous sounding web page, though.

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Interested in seeing more of my attempts at humor?

As the story goes the popularity of the movie “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button” did not go unnoticed by the other Hollywood studios. The odd tale showed Benjamin throughout the course of his life growing backwards – from old to young.

One competing studio actually worked on a similar concept, this one where a man went through his whole life looking like he was a balding man of sixty three. But studio execs quashed the project saying there was “no character change” and that the protagonist was “too static”.

In the end the original concept photography was sold an used as another on-line education grant advertisement:

When I was quite young I used to watch the animated superhero show ‘Underdog’.

I will say that as a young child I found some of the scenes to be quite scary and sobering and none were more frightening to me than the episode called “The Phoney-Booths” in which the evil Simon Bar Sinister created phone booths that would transform normal people into slaves (with odd siren-like lights on their heads) who would do whatever evil he wanted them to.

And when Underdog fell into the trap and became (temporarily!) evil himself, the seven year old me found it very disturbing.

All that to say that when I see this internet add on the yahoo website:

. . . it kind of freaks me out a little bit. I’m pretty sure that’s not what the marketers were going for.

Interested in learning about the new diet plan where you not only lose weight but your upper lip becomes your new nose?

Yes it will!

Why then, Click here!

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